A recent column in The Washington Post prompted fierce debate after a grandmother described her daughter’s strategy of letting a 2½-year-old granddaughter cry for up to 30 minutes rather than picking her up—a response designed, the parents say, to encourage independence and make things easier for teachers at preschool. But is “crying it out” appropriate or potentially harmful at this age? New neuroscience studies and child psychology experts urge a more nuanced, compassionate approach, especially for young Thai families navigating traditional and modern parenting advice.
At the heart of this issue is a common scenario: a toddler clamors for attention after a long day apart from working parents, perhaps tired, hungry, or seeking emotional comfort. The instinct for many Thai grandparents—like the reader who wrote in to The Washington Post—is to promptly scoop up and soothe the crying child, reflecting age-old beliefs about nurturing (เลี้ยงลูกให้ติดมือ) and the importance of emotional warmth in early childhood. Meanwhile, many modern parents are exposed to advice suggesting that immediate responses to tears “spoil” a child or foster dependency. Who’s right? What does science actually say about how parents and caregivers should respond to toddler distress?
Research in neuroendocrinology, attachment theory, and developmental psychology overwhelmingly shows that toddlers cry not to manipulate but to signal a genuine need for connection, regulation, or assistance. Young children—especially under the age of three—are still developing the neurological pathways and self-regulation skills they need to manage strong feelings. According to a seminal review in the Journal of Neuroendocrinology, the act of picking up and comforting a child activates brain circuits related to bonding in both parent and child, mediated by neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. These hormones help reduce stress, foster emotional security, and actually promote healthy brain development (Swain et al., 2011).
“When a child’s distress is met with warmth and responsiveness, not only does the child learn to trust their caregivers, but the brain structures involved in emotional regulation mature more robustly,” explains Dr. James Swain, co-author of the neuroendocrinology study. “On the other hand, repeated emotional neglect—even in the form of well-intentioned ‘cry it out’ strategies—can heighten stress responses and impair attachment.”
In practical terms, leading parenting coaches like Meghan Leahy (author of the widely-read Washington Post column) recommend caregivers observe when and why a toddler is crying. Rather than rigidly refusing comfort or always giving in, she suggests adults first consider if the child is hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or in need of closeness. While it’s true that children benefit from learning to handle minor frustrations, this capacity is built over time—and only when a stable foundation of secure attachment is in place.
The issue has particular resonance in Thai society, where changing family structures mean more children are raised in dual-income households, by grandparents, or in daycares. Many Thai parents, especially those in urban areas, must reconcile traditional approaches—such as almost constant physical closeness when young (ลูกอ้อน กอดหอมตลอดเวลา)—with advice from Westernized preschools or online parenting forums urging independence. But as Dr. Swain’s research shows, proximity and compassion in early childhood are not “spoiling.” Instead, they are the first bricks in the foundation of emotional strength.
This is echoed by locally respected pediatricians. Dr. Jiraporn Chonchaiya, child psychiatrist at King Chulalongkorn Memorial Hospital, notes: “In the Thai context, children thrive when they feel seen and understood by adults around them. When a toddler cries for attention after only a short time with the parents during the weekday, this is not manipulation—it is a biologically driven need for reassurance. Ignoring this need consistently can lead to trust and emotional problems later on.”
One revealing international study found that toddlers who receive empathic responses when distressed are not only better able to self-soothe by age three, but also score higher on social and language development (Campbell et al., 2016). In contrast, children frequently left to “cry it out” can develop heightened cortisol (stress hormone) responses, which, if persistent, may hinder emotional growth and, in extreme cases, be linked to later anxiety or behavioral issues.
This does not mean parents or teachers must—or even can—drop everything every time a child wails. Practicalities of Thai life, such as group childcare and parental exhaustion, are real. The goal, as Meghan Leahy and neuroscientists agree, is not to create a household where tears are banished but to read a child’s cues and avoid turning emotional needs into discipline problems. Sometimes, a gentle voice or a few minutes of focused attention may be enough; at other times, physical comfort is needed. The exception, not the rule, should be leaving a toddler to cry alone for extended periods, as this risks teaching them the world is unresponsive to their basic needs.
Viewed through a cultural lens, the Thai tradition of “warm-hearted parenting” (การเลี้ยงลูกแบบอบอุ่น) is well-aligned with the latest science. Practices such as keeping children close, responding with soft words, and fostering multigenerational bonds remain invaluable. As family structures shrink and parents become busier, challenges arise, but the old advice—“children need love like they need rice”—remains relevant, and now evidence-backed.
Looking to the future, as Thailand embraces both modernity and tradition, expert consensus is clear: attuned, loving, and flexible responses to young children’s distress promote resilience, empathy, and independent problem-solving in the long term. If parents and caregivers are unsure how to respond when a toddler cries, the best starting point is to ask: “What does this child need in this moment? How can I help them feel safe?” Consult with pediatricians or trained childcare professionals rather than relying on blanket online advice.
In daily life, especially in Thai homes where grandparents often play a major caregiving role, open communication between parents and elders about these issues is key. Grandparents who are on the floor playing and offering full attention, as described in the Washington Post story, are providing a textbook example of healthy attachment.
For Thai parents worried their child will be “spoiled” by being picked up: rest assured, science says consistency and warmth build independence—not rigid enforcement or emotional distance. In the modern Thai context, where family ties are central but time together can be scarce, even 10-15 minutes of undivided, affectionate attention after work can make a world of difference in a child’s emotional health.
Practical recommendations for Thai families:
- Listen to your toddler’s cries as a form of communication, not a behavior to punish or ignore.
- When tired, hungry, or distressed, offer comfort—with words, eye contact, a hug, or sitting together.
- If separation is necessary (such as in preschool), talk with teachers about consistent strategies that are gentle but build coping skills over time.
- Involve grandparents or extended family to provide more security and attention.
- Balance routines and expectations without resorting to extremes—neither never picking up nor always complying.
- If repeated, excessive crying persists, consult a pediatrician or child psychologist for guidance.
- Don’t hesitate to educate yourself further (Journal of Neuroendocrinology, Campbell et al, 2016, Washington Post advice column).
Thai wisdom and global research agree: while it is natural to want children to grow brave and self-sufficient, the road to independence begins with loving arms—not with a refusal to comfort. “Think of affection as an investment,” says Dr. Jiraporn. “The emotional strength your child gains now will serve them all their life.”