A new psychological study has revealed surprising insights into one of the most awkward social dilemmas: would you rather be ignored, or be the subject of gossip? According to recent research published in the journal Self and Identity, neither choice is pleasant—but for very different reasons. The findings, based on five experiments with more than 1,000 participants, open a window onto how Thai society and its cultural emphasis on face and social harmony might shape our responses to these powerful social forces.
While gossip is often frowned upon and being ignored can sting, the research, led by a team at the University of Mississippi in collaboration with international colleagues, found no easy answer to which is worse. Most people actively dislike negative gossip, preferring not to be the target of unkind talk. Yet, being ignored—ostracism—even in fleeting or subtle ways, evokes feelings of worthlessness and invisibility that can be equally distressing. “When someone ostracizes you, even if it’s just momentarily… it makes you feel like an outsider. It makes you feel bad about yourself. It makes you feel momentarily meaningless,” explained the lead psychology researcher, as cited by Neuroscience News.
Why does this matter for Thai readers? In Thai society, where the value of collective harmony and “saving face” runs deep, both gossip and being ignored can have profound personal and communal impacts. Strong family ties, hierarchical relationships, and the importance of social reputation mean that words—whether whispered behind one’s back or not spoken at all—carry significant weight. The findings from this global study invite reflection on how these timeless social practices operate within our own cultural context.
Digging into the details, the study reveals that while positive gossip is generally preferred to being ignored, nearly one in three people still find even compliments behind their backs uncomfortable. This discomfort may stem from fears that positive gossip could be insincere or may swiftly become negative. Negative gossip, on the other hand, is overwhelmingly disliked, with about 85% of people saying they would rather not have it directed at them.
Yet there’s a twist. About 15% of participants—disproportionately men or those with high narcissistic traits—reported they’d rather be talked about in a negative light than be totally overlooked. These individuals may crave attention or validation, interpreting even negative remarks as a form of acknowledgment. “Narcissists often feel entitled and special, so they may believe gossip about them is positive, even if it’s clearly negative. More likely, though, they prefer negative attention over being ignored altogether,” the study’s lead author noted.
Cultural nuances matter here. As one of the researchers observed, gossip is almost universal and almost always taboo for children, yet accepted among adults. In Thailand, traditional gatherings—like the women’s “วันทอง” circles or neighborhood committees—can be social hotbeds where news travels swiftly, sometimes in the guise of harmless chatter, sometimes as sharp criticism. The line between maintaining social cohesion and damaging reputations is thin and ever shifting.
So, what purpose does gossip actually serve? The research team pointed to potential benefits when gossip is used responsibly. Positive or neutral gossip can set social norms, reinforce group fairness, or hold people accountable—roles not so different from the way teachers, parents, or even village elders in Thailand use discussion to guide acceptable behavior. This echoes age-old Thai proverbs warning about the dangers of loose tongues, yet implicitly acknowledging that some talk is simply part of being a community.
But the pain of ostracism is also real—and not just for those who are overtly shunned. Earlier research cited by the team confirms that even transient experiences of being ignored, such as being left out of a group activity or conversation, can produce strong feelings of exclusion and self-doubt. In a classroom or office in Bangkok, a social media chat group in Chiang Mai, or a community festival in Isan, to be missing from the conversation can feel like social death.
What, then, can Thais do with this knowledge? First, it’s important to understand that everyone reacts differently, and that cultural scripts around gossip and silence may influence what feels acceptable—or unbearable. The study encourages compassion and reflection about how we talk about others, particularly in tight-knit communities where word spreads fast and relationships are interwoven over lifetimes.
As for practical action, experts advise open, respectful communication whenever possible. In workplaces and schools, fostering a direct and supportive environment can reduce the sting of both gossip and exclusion. For families, especially those with young people who may be navigating social media’s unforgiving grapevine, honest dialogue about the difference between constructive feedback and hurtful talk is crucial. In local communities, leaders and elders might recall traditional wisdom: speak with empathy, and avoid words that wound without purpose.
Looking ahead, future research may investigate how these social dynamics play out in Asia generally, and Thailand specifically, where notions of “face,” collectivism, and indirect communication are strongly rooted. Anthropological studies suggest that while gossip can help rein in behavior seen as disruptive or selfish, it can just as easily rupture fragile social bonds. The challenge will be to find a balance that preserves both individual dignity and group harmony—values at the heart of the Thai way of life.
For now, the message is clear: whether in a back-alley gathering or a modern office, it pays to be mindful of our words, and thoughtful about how we include—and exclude—others. As one of the research team concluded, “Like all things in life, it’s wise to be compassionate and thoughtful and deliberate about what you choose to share about other people.”
If you find yourself caught between gossip and silence, consider seeking open dialogue, clarifying intentions, and cultivating communities of trust. Thais may draw on the best of our traditions—kindness, discretion, and the gentle power of empathy—to build relationships that are strong enough to weather whispered words or silent gaps.
Sources: Neuroscience News; Self and Identity journal; University of Mississippi.