A leading psychologist has issued a stark warning to couples, highlighting a seemingly common but deeply destructive phrase that can deeply corrode romantic relationships: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?” This message, often delivered in moments of frustration or conflict, is flagged as one of the most toxic forms of communication, known in the psychological community as the “death-by-comparison” effect. Experts say this phrase, and the mindset behind it, can undermine trust, erode self-esteem, and ultimately destroy the intimate bond between partners, according to recent reports and expert commentary published by the Daily Mail (dailymail.co.uk).
The significance of this warning is timely for couples in Thailand and around the world, as societies in the digital age face increasing external pressures and social comparisons—often amplified by social media feeds filled with curated versions of others’ relationships. For Thai readers navigating both traditional expectations and modern relationship dynamics, understanding the psychological impact of such harmful phrases takes on renewed importance, especially as family harmony and emotional security remain central cultural values.
According to US-based psychologist Dr Mark Travers, who specializes in relationship psychology and holds academic credentials from Cornell University, repeated comparisons—especially to friends, ex-partners, or even celebrities—send a corrosive message: “You’re not enough, and someone else—anyone else—could do a better job at being my partner.” Such statements, as Dr Travers notes in his commentary for CNBC Make It, often signal deeper relationship troubles beneath the surface arguments. Over time, being exposed to these comparisons can foster “irreparable insecurity issues”, causing lasting emotional harm and driving wedges between partners.
The psychologist emphasizes that healthy relationships require direct, compassionate communication rather than shaming or measuring a partner against others. “Relationships require the willingness to love each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans—not as comparisons to someone else,” Dr Travers explains, reiterating the need to articulate one’s needs and concerns without resorting to counterproductive comparisons.
His observations are echoed by UK-based human behaviour expert and former psychological nurse Jessen James, who identifies a tapestry of red flags that often accompany troubled relationships, including emotional detachment, recurring arguments, growing resentment, lack of communication, and fantasizing about life without a partner. Both experts converge on the idea that communication styles—particularly the avoidance of honest discussion or reliance on negative comparisons—are at the heart of relationship breakdowns.
Emotional detachment, for instance, is described by James as a “sure-fire sign” of deeper problems. This does not just mean “going cold” on someone, but rather feeling disconnected from the emotional support that should bind partners together. He notes that persistent emotional distance, unresolved conflicts, and repeated “big arguments” can signal the impending end of a relationship, unless root causes are addressed openly.
James also underlines the importance of feeling supported, celebrated, and listened to within a relationship. If a partner’s success breeds tension instead of mutual joy, or if one finds themselves obsessively overthinking the relationship, these may well be indicators that something fundamental has broken down. “Relationships should provide a sense of security and comfort—not a never-ending cycle of overthinking that leaves you feeling anxious, uncertain, or confused,” James says.
For Thai couples, these expert insights resonate within a local context where open emotional communication is sometimes hindered by cultural inclinations towards “kreng jai” (consideration that can lead to withholding true feelings to avoid burdening others) and conflict avoidance to preserve face. However, the psychologists’ advice highlights the enduring value of honest dialogue and mutual respect—ideals that align with key Buddhist concepts such as right speech (samma vaca) and mindful compassion.
Historical and recent research reinforce the dangers of comparison in Asian relationships. A Thai Health Promotion Foundation survey in 2020 indicated that relationship dissatisfaction was a major predictor of both mental health problems and family breakdown (Thai Health Promotion Foundation, 2020. Unaddressed, toxic communication—such as the “death-by-comparison” effect—can contribute to a rise in divorce rates, which have steadily increased in Thailand over the last decade (Bangkok Post).
Looking ahead, experts predict that as Thailand’s society continues to balance tradition and rapid modernization, couples will need to develop stronger communication skills and emotional literacy to sustain their relationships. Resources such as couple’s counseling, workshops on nonviolent communication, or even smartphone apps designed to facilitate healthy discussion may find expanding roles in urban centers like Bangkok and Chiang Mai.
To shield relationships from the “death-by-comparison” effect, psychologists recommend that Thai readers adopt a few practical strategies. First, cultivate self-awareness—notice when you are tempted to compare, and reflect on what needs or frustrations might be fueling the impulse. Next, replace comparisons with “I” statements: rather than saying, “Why can’t you be more like …,” try, “I feel [emotion] when …, and I need [specific support].” Lastly, consider seeking professional guidance if communication patterns are stuck in negativity or if either partner feels chronically unsupported. Thai organizations such as the Department of Mental Health (Department of Mental Health Thailand) offer counseling resources, and many private therapists and clinics now provide relationship therapy in both Thai and English.
The science is clear: relationships thrive not on comparison but on radical acceptance, honest conversation, and the steady belief in each other’s unique humanity. By fostering these habits, Thai couples can not only avoid the traps of toxic comparison, but also nurture the kind of resilient, joyful partnerships that form the bedrock of both personal and community well-being.
For more on healthy communication, consult resources from the Thai Mental Health Department (DMH Thailand), explore global research on couples’ therapy (PubMed), and consider mindfulness-based approaches for everyday life (Bangkok Mindfulness Center). Above all, remember that lasting love is grounded not in comparison, but in acceptance and growth—together.