A leading psychologist warns that a simple, often spoken line—“Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?”—can quietly wreck romantic relationships. This tirade, delivered in moments of frustration, is identified in mental health circles as a form of toxic communication known as the “death-by-comparison” effect. Experts say such phrases undermine trust, lower self-esteem, and erode the emotional bond couples share.
The message comes at a time when couples in Thailand and worldwide face mounting social pressures. In the digital era, social media often presents curated images of others’ relationships, amplifying cravings for perfection. For Thai couples navigating traditional expectations and modern relationship dynamics, understanding the impact of harmful comparisons is increasingly important to maintain family harmony and emotional security.
US-based psychologist Dr. Mark Travers, a specialist in relationship psychology with credentials from Cornell University, explains that repeated comparisons transmit a corrosive signal: you’re not enough, and someone else could do a better job at being my partner. In his commentary for CNBC Make It, Travers notes that such remarks hint at deeper issues beneath surface arguments. Over time, exposure to these comparisons can create lasting insecurity and widen emotional distance between partners.
Travers emphasizes that healthy relationships rely on direct, compassionate communication rather than shaming a partner by comparing them to others. “Relationships require loving each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans—not as stand-ins for someone else,” he says, urging partners to express needs and concerns without resorting to hurtful comparisons.
Echoing Travers, UK-based behavioural expert and former nurse Jessen James points to a range of warning signs common in troubled relationships: emotional detachment, frequent arguments, growing resentment, poor communication, and fantasies about life apart from a partner. Both experts agree that how couples talk to each other—rather than resorting to negative comparisons—lies at the heart of relationship breakdowns.
Emotional detachment, James describes, is a clear early signal of deeper problems. It goes beyond simply “going cold”; it involves a lack of emotional support that should bind partners. Persistent distance, unresolved conflicts, and repeated major disagreements can indicate serious trouble unless root causes are addressed openly.
James also stresses the importance of feeling supported, valued, and heard. If a partner’s success sparks tension rather than joy, or if overthinking about the relationship dominates daily life, these may signal a breakdown in trust and safety. “Relationships should offer security and comfort, not a perpetual loop of anxiety and uncertainty,” he explains.
Thai audiences will recognize these ideas within a local context where open emotional dialogue is sometimes tempered by kreng jai—an instinct to avoid burdening others—and by conflict avoidance to preserve face. Yet the psychologists’ guidance highlights the enduring value of honest conversation and mutual respect—principles aligned with Buddhist concepts such as right speech and mindful compassion.
Research in Asia also underscores the risks of comparison in relationships. A 2020 Thai Health Promotion Foundation survey found relationship dissatisfaction to be a major predictor of mental health issues and family breakdown. When toxic communication goes unaddressed, it can feed higher divorce rates observed in Thailand over the past decade.
Looking ahead, experts expect Thailand’s society to continue balancing tradition with modernization. Stronger communication skills and emotional literacy will help couples sustain long-term happiness. Couples’ counseling, workshops on nonviolent communication, and digital tools to support constructive dialogue are expected to play larger roles in urban centers such as Bangkok and Chiang Mai.
Practically, psychologists offer Thai readers several strategies. First, cultivate self-awareness to notice when comparisons arise and reflect on underlying needs. Second, swap “Why can’t you be more like …” with “I feel [emotion] when …, and I need [specific support].” Third, seek professional guidance if negativity persists or if either partner feels chronically unsupported. The Department of Mental Health in Thailand provides counseling resources, and many therapists offer relationship therapy in Thai and English.
The science is clear: thriving relationships come from radical acceptance, open conversation, and a steady belief in each other’s unique humanity. By embracing these habits, Thai couples can avoid the traps of toxic comparison and foster resilient, joyful partnerships that strengthen families and communities.
For further guidance on healthy communication, look to mental health resources from Thailand’s Department of Mental Health, as well as global research on couples’ therapy and mindfulness-based approaches for everyday life.