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When Your Child Is the Bully: The Last Parenting Taboo Uncovered

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The uncomfortable reality that sometimes a parent must face is not that their child is being bullied, but that their child is the bully. A recent article in The Times, “The last parenting taboo: admitting your child is the bully,” illuminates this often unspoken aspect of parenting, drawing on personal accounts, research studies, and insights from leading anti-bullying experts to challenge families and educators to confront the issue with honesty and practical strategies (The Times).

Facing the reality that your child is the aggressor, not the victim, remains a difficult admission for parents across cultures. In Thailand, where the value placed on family honor and ‘face’ runs deep, this challenge takes on a distinctive local dimension. Acknowledging a child’s harmful behavior can feel like a personal failure or an indictment of family upbringing, making open discussions around bullying sensitive, but essential.

The article follows several families reckoning with the discovery of their children’s bullying behavior and their emotional journeys through denial, shame, and ultimately, accountability. For example, through the story of parents who received complaints from both their daughter’s school and extracurricular group, readers see the complex and often confusing process of confronting such troubling reports. The parents’ initial disbelief (“It’s difficult not to take it as a slight to your own parenting”) soon gave way to concern as the evidence mounted—incidents ranged from exclusionary tactics at school lunch tables to overt teasing and aggression toward peers and siblings at home. The girl in question, described as a natural leader, refused to discuss her behavior, adding to parental frustration.

Both parents reflected candidly on their reactions. The father, who recalled his own painful experiences of being bullied, expressed both anger and sadness at his daughter’s actions. He admitted feeling dissatisfied with the school’s response, perceiving attempts at restorative justice—such as encouraging the child to empathize with her victims—as “too soft an approach.” In contrast, the mother felt embarrassed by her daughter’s public apology and worried that deeper, unrecognized issues were at play, though she concluded social media wasn’t likely involved due to strict parental controls. This divergence in parental perspectives highlights the emotional fault lines bullying cases often expose inside families.

Such stories are not unique to the UK. A 2024 Bangkok survey by the Stop Child Abuse Campaign observed that Thai parents are also deeply uncomfortable discussing bullying perpetrated by their own children, worrying about social stigma and school reputation. The backdrop of collective culture, emphasizing group harmony over individual disruption, can hamper honest reflection and action (NHES, Ministry of Public Health). Yet the consequences of denial are severe. As one family in The Times recalled, years of excusing their daughter’s bullying as “confidence” ultimately led to her social isolation—a stark warning for parents everywhere.

Research cited in the article underscores that bullying seldom occurs in isolation. The Anti-Bullying Alliance (ABA) reports that one in four children experience bullying annually and that it is nearly always a group activity. Factors include not only ringleaders and victims but also passive bystanders—those who laugh along, remain silent, or feel unable to stand up to negative group dynamics. Modern Thai classrooms are no exception. Data from the Ministry of Education’s 2023 report found that up to 40% of bullying incidents involved at least three students—the perpetrator, the victim, and one or more bystanders.

Experts stress the urgent need for comprehensive responses. Kidscape, an international bullying prevention charity, advocates close cooperation between parents, schools, and children involved. Their co-director notes that “finding out your child is the aggressor often comes as a total shock, flagged up by school or another organisation,” and urges families to help children recognize wrongdoing and learn better choices. “There can be a link between trauma and bullying, where they’ve been bullied themselves, or observed negative behavior at home or online,” he adds.

Similarly, the ABA calls for anti-bullying training to become mandatory for all teachers—a policy not yet adopted in the UK or Thailand. The charity’s director, Martha Evans, stresses the importance of early intervention and understanding bullying as a behavior rather than a fixed label. She points out that even preschoolers may exhibit bullying if their actions are intentionally hurtful, and that prompt guidance can help prevent patterns from becoming ingrained. As sexual and online bullying increase globally—even among younger children—Evans recommends open conversations about healthy, respectful relationships and a family environment where children feel safe to discuss problems.

International comparisons provide instructive context. Large-scale studies such as the Health Behaviour in School-aged Children (HBSC) project, spanning 40 countries, consistently show boys are more frequently both perpetrators and victims of bullying, with the gender gap narrowing in early adolescence before widening again by age 15. Thai research trends echo these dynamics but reveal high rates of covert, indirect bullying among girls, particularly involving social exclusion or rumor-spreading. Such findings have been highlighted in the Thai Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s 2023 nationwide survey (TJPAP).

Ignoring or downplaying bullying harms not only victims, but also perpetrators. One poignant reflection in The Times comes from parents who, years after their daughter’s school days, discovered that her bullying had cost her lasting friendships. “But because we didn’t put a stop to it, she hasn’t learnt how to behave socially… she clearly made life miserable for a few others and has ended up isolated and unhappy herself.” Child psychologists emphasize this ripple effect: when negative behaviors go unaddressed, children are denied the chance to develop empathy, social skills, and resilience—outcomes that serve them long into adulthood.

For Thai schools and families, the article’s lessons are particularly relevant as the country grapples with persistent reports of both student and teacher bullying. In 2024, the Ministry of Education began piloting restorative justice approaches modeled on Scandinavian systems—incorporating parental involvement, peer mediation, and follow-up counseling—to promising results in a handful of Bangkok schools (Bangkok Post). However, many institutions still rely on disciplinary measures that focus solely on punishment rather than rehabilitation or social reintegration.

Cultural context remains a powerful influence. In Thai society, where saving face, respect for elders, and conforming to group expectations are deeply valued, parents may be hesitant to confront or even acknowledge their child’s aggression. Yet experts warn that silence and denial can perpetuate cycles of victimization—sometimes passed down across generations. Social media adds a further layer of complexity: while parental controls can offer some protection, the proliferation of private messaging apps and anonymous platforms makes it increasingly difficult to monitor adolescent interactions.

Looking to the future, several trends and interventions stand out:

  • Making anti-bullying training mandatory for all teachers, including digital literacy and trauma-informed approaches.
  • Encouraging open dialogue among parents, schools, and students about both active and passive roles in bullying.
  • Expanding counseling and psychological support services available in schools—not just for victims, but for all involved parties.
  • Integrating empathy-building, conflict resolution, and social and emotional learning (SEL) into the Thai national curriculum, starting from early primary grades (UNICEF Thailand).
  • Providing structured opportunities for positive group activities that foster inclusion, leadership, and respect.

What practical steps can Thai parents, educators, and policymakers take right now? Experts recommend regular communication with children about school life, friendships, and any difficulties they face—listening without judgment or immediate correction. Collaborate with schools: should accusations arise, resist defensiveness and work proactively with teachers, counselors, and community organizations. Seek guidance from local or online anti-bullying resources, such as the Stop Child Abuse Campaign and UNICEF Thailand programs.

It is also crucial to watch for signals of distress, aggression, or exclusionary behavior in children at home or online. Rather than assign blame, frame problems as opportunities for growth and learning: “Bullying is a behavior, not an identity,” as Martha Evans emphasizes. Repairing harm, rebuilding relationships, and supporting social-emotional needs can prevent further incidents—as well as heal the child’s sense of self-worth.

The national conversation around school violence must also include honest recognition that anyone’s child may, at times, act in harmful ways. Only by breaking the taboo around “parenting a bully” can Thai society create safer, healthier environments for every child—now and in the future.

For further information, parents and teachers can consult the Anti-Bullying Alliance’s official resources (anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk), the Kidscape charity (kidscape.org.uk), and trusted Thai organizations focusing on child welfare and violence prevention (unicef.org/thailand). Vigilance, openness, and early intervention remain the keys to breaking the cycle for children—whether they are bullied, bystanders, or, sometimes, bullies themselves.

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