In Thai society, laughter is often celebrated as the glue that brings people closer together—whether amongst friends over dinner, couples strolling the markets, or families gathered during festivities like Songkran. Yet, emerging research cautions that not all laughter is created equal, especially in romantic relationships. A new wave of scientific findings reveals that humor can, at times, function less as a tool of intimacy than a weapon of subtle contempt—leaving lasting marks on trust, self-esteem, and emotional safety.
Recent insights published by Mark Travers, Ph.D., in Psychology Today examine how certain forms of humor may actually erode relationship health over time, despite the common belief that “couples who laugh together, stay together” (psychologytoday.com). The study draws on extensive psychological research that distinguishes between “benign” humor—such as playful teasing, warmth, and self-enhancing jokes—and “injurious” humor styles, including sarcasm, ridicule, and passive contempt. While the former fosters emotional closeness, the latter can quietly undermine relationship bonds, often disguising power plays as harmless fun.
For Thai readers—where playful banter (“greng-jai” culture) and sensitivity to face-saving are deeply woven into social exchanges—these findings hold special relevance. Understanding where humor can heal and where it may harm could reshape how partners, friends, and even families navigate conflict, set boundaries, and maintain mutual respect.
Research cited in the Psychology Today article points to three main ways contempt can lurk behind the mask of humor:
Firstly, some partners persist in making jokes about topics their counterpart has already identified as sensitive—such as job struggles, family issues, or physical appearance. This pattern, commonly followed by the refrain “Can’t you take a joke?” is not a sign of harmless fun but signals a disregard for the other’s boundaries. A 2010 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals with a “cavalier” outlook on humor—believing jokes are never to be taken seriously—were more likely to intentionally use humor to mask disrespect and avoid accountability (source). This dynamic is particularly concerning in Thailand’s context, where the reluctance to show anger or disappointment in public can lead to painful feelings remaining unspoken, allowing the cycle to quietly continue.
Secondly, sarcasm—while sometimes a hallmark of Thai comedic shows or lighthearted banter—can turn corrosive when it becomes a partner’s default mode of communication. According to a 2022 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, chronic sarcasm is closely linked with personality traits like Machiavellianism and psychopathy, traits associated with manipulativeness and emotional distancing (source). For couples, repeated sarcastic jabs such as, “Of course you forgot, classic you,” may seem trivial but create a steady drip of indirect criticism. Over time, this chips away at trust and leaves the recipient feeling belittled, even if the “joker” insists it’s all in good fun. In Thailand, where social norms discourage direct confrontation, this brand of humor can serve as a covert way to express dissatisfaction or assert control without risking open discord.
The third covert form—public humiliation disguised as performance—occurs when one partner uses the other as the constant punchline for laughs among friends or family. Social psychology suggests that such humor can be a way of asserting dominance, especially when one partner is routinely the subject of jokes in group settings. This echoes the “superiority theory of humor,” which posits that much of what people find funny is rooted in the chance to elevate oneself above another (britannica.com). When the pattern is mutual and playful, as observed in certain Thai peer groups or schoolyard friendships, teasing can foster camaraderie. However, in romantic relationships where the banter is consistently one-sided, it morphs from shared fun into a form of public belittlement and emotional distance. The person being targeted, especially in group settings, may hesitate to voice discomfort for fear of appearing “too sensitive,” further compounding feelings of insecurity.
Expert voices on the subject emphasize the importance of context and mutuality in humor. Psychologists warn that jokes which consistently leave one partner feeling “small, embarrassed, or defensive” are red flags. Instead of laughing together, couples may find themselves drifting into a cycle where humor becomes a shield against accountability and vulnerability. In a Thai context, where saving face and harmony are prized, the temptation to gloss over such discomfort can be strong. But experts urge couples to pay attention to how jokes land—both emotionally and relationally.
For Thailand, where humor is central to everyday interactions from schoolyards to office buildings, these studies invite reflection on how “kreng-jai” may sometimes shield passive contempt. When jokes go too far but social etiquette prevents open confrontation, individuals may suffer in silence. Encouraging open discussion about boundaries—and respecting when certain topics are off-limits—can help preserve both harmony and individual dignity.
Observing Thai history and culture, humor has long played a role in negotiating social rank and smoothing over awkward situations. Whether through well-known comedians poking fun at political figures or relatives gently teasing at weddings, the underlying expectation is mutual good will and reciprocation. Problems arise, researchers caution, when humor becomes a tool for only one side to “win” at the other’s expense.
Looking ahead, mental health professionals in Thailand and abroad recommend practical steps to foster healthier uses of humor in relationships. If you notice your partner repeatedly using humor to cross boundaries, experts advise having a private, honest conversation about your feelings. If such issues persist—especially alongside other signs of emotional manipulation—consider seeking guidance from counselors or relationship therapists.
Awareness and education about the different shades of humor can help Thai couples, families, and communities rethink what it means to truly laugh together, rather than at each other. Psychologists suggest that cultivating a culture where both parties feel safe to express discomfort—without fear of ridicule or dismissal—can fortify trust and emotional closeness, both crucial ingredients for lasting relationships.
In concrete terms, Thai readers are encouraged to assess their own humor boundaries, reflect on how their jokes land, and remain open to feedback from those closest to them. “Is this building closeness or eroding trust?” is a practical question for couples to ask. In work and educational settings, teachers and managers can model respectful humor, reinforcing mutual respect rather than competition or shame.
For further reading on the links between humor styles, emotional health, and relationship dynamics, consult psychology texts or local counseling resources, such as the Faculty of Psychology at Chulalongkorn University, the Mental Health Department of the Ministry of Public Health, or resources provided by local community centers.
Learn more by reading the original article on Psychology Today, the 2010 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, and the 2022 study in Personality and Individual Differences. For education on healthy relationships, explore resources in both English and Thai provided by organizations such as Mental Health Thailand.