A new dating trend dubbed “cookie jarring” is drawing strong reactions from both relationship experts and young people experiencing the practice firsthand, with many labeling it “disgusting” and “gross.” This phenomenon, which involves dating multiple people at once while keeping some as backup options, is reportedly on the rise among younger generations navigating the complexities of modern romance.
In recent years, the dynamics of dating have shifted as digital technology and social media make it easier than ever to connect with potential partners. “Cookie jarring” describes a scenario where an individual, uncertain about their primary relationship, keeps a secondary person metaphorically “in the cookie jar”—available as an emotional or romantic backup should their main interest fail to pan out. According to leading relationship experts cited in a New York Post report, this trend is creating emotional turmoil and confusion for those left in the backup role, eroding trust and self-esteem for those caught in its snare.
The term itself builds on a series of now-familiar dating slang, similar to “benching” or “breadcrumbing,” both of which have become part of the modern romantic vocabulary. “Benching” refers to keeping someone on the sidelines, ready if things with a current partner don’t work out, while “breadcrumbing” means giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested without committing. All of these trends share a root cause: indecision, and the constant search for better romantic opportunities amid limitless choices.
Positive Psychology Coach from the United Kingdom, as quoted in the original article, points out that people adopt cookie jarring as a psychological safety net. “Let’s be honest, you’re keeping them on the side because you want to have somebody else as back-up in case this doesn’t work out,” states this professional. However, they warn that while the attention might feel affirming in the short term, the long-term consequences are far more damaging for both parties involved. “The attention’s amazing — but the long-term effects are a lot worse if you do it that way,” advises the coach.
A global dating trends expert, referencing research on emotional well-being from the Daily Mail, echoes a similar sentiment, encouraging singles to resist the urge to fall back on a safety net. “Give yourself time to get to know someone without the influence of anyone else, and if things just don’t work out, then that’s okay — but don’t get a back-up because you are unsure,” this expert suggests. The advice underscores the importance of intentional, honest communication in relationships, a message that resonates with both Western and Thai cultural values around sincerity and respect.
For young Thais, who are increasingly exposed to international dating trends through social media, these practices may feel foreign but are quickly gaining traction. On Thai campuses and among urban youth, there is growing anecdotal evidence—often shared through LINE, Facebook groups, and even TikTok—of peers describing experiences where they suspected they were being “cookie jarred.” Though lacking formal academic research in the Thai context, early signs suggest the phenomenon is resonating uncomfortably with young people here, especially as dating apps lower the barriers to multi-party communication and casual relationships.
“It is an innately human desire to be wanted and seen. Being benched creates a cycle of unmet expectations and unclear boundaries, and the person being benched will likely start to feel like they aren’t important,” the chief dating expert at Match previously told the Post. Thai relationship counselors interviewed by the Bangkok Post have observed similar emotional fallout, with some university students admitting to lowered self-worth and confusion after finding out they were not someone’s primary romantic interest. In the context of Thai culture, which places high value on face-saving and indirect communication, the ambiguous signals inherent in cookie jarring can create even more anxiety and misunderstanding.
In cities like Bangkok and Chiang Mai, therapists and counselors have begun receiving more cases of young adults disillusioned with dating, sometimes citing experiences akin to cookie jarring. Counselors affiliated with leading universities describe students feeling “lesser” or “disposable” when they realize they were kept as a backup, despite cultural teachings about personal worth and loyalty. These emotional stresses, if unaddressed, could contribute to longer-term mental health issues such as anxiety, loneliness, and difficulty trusting future partners, according to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships).
International studies suggest that the psychological consequences of non-committal dating behaviors can be profound, especially for young people in the formative stages of building self-esteem. A survey by Pew Research Center in the US found that nearly half of adults under 30 who participated in casual online dating reported emotional distress after ambiguous encounters, including being treated as a backup (Pew Research Center). The widespread adoption of such practices has led relationship experts to warn against normalizing emotional ambiguity, emphasizing clear communication and prioritization in all kinds of romantic interactions.
While the term “cookie jarring” might feel trendy, its emotional impact is far from trivial. In Thai society, where trust and sincerity (khwām chingjai) are foundational values, trends that encourage non-committal behavior challenge traditional paradigms of loyalty and mutual respect. Many experts caution that the adoption of such behaviors could further increase the rates of loneliness and emotional burnout among Thai youth, already reported at record highs in urban settings (Bangkok Post).
Looking forward, researchers and mental health experts highlight the need for public discourse on healthy relationship boundaries. Educational campaigns in both English and Thai, led by counselors and student leaders, may be effective in helping youth recognize the signs of cookie jarring and develop strategies for honest, respectful communication. Social scientists also recommend embedding relationship education into school and university curricula, ensuring that young people understand the emotional complexities of digital-age dating.
For Thai readers trying to navigate the minefield of modern relationships, experts suggest a few practical steps:
- Take time to get to know someone before investing emotionally.
- Communicate your expectations and intentions clearly.
- Recognize the signs of being “cookie jarred”: inconsistent attention, reluctance to commit, and lack of prioritization.
- Value self-worth and remember that being someone’s backup is not a prerequisite for being loved or respected.
- Seek support from friends, family, or counseling services if faced with emotional distress related to dating.
As the landscape of romance evolves, Thai society faces the challenge of balancing new global trends with traditional values—finding a way to embrace openness and choice while holding tight to the core ideals of kindness, honesty, and genuine connection.
Sources: New York Post, Pew Research Center, Bangkok Post, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.