When dealing with difficult behavior from children who are not your own—such as the kids of close friends—many adults feel torn between compassion and the need to protect their own mental health. This familiar dilemma, highlighted in a recent advice column in The New York Times (nytimes.com), delves into how parents and caregivers can manage the emotional burden of spending time with other families’ children, particularly when those children’s experiences—such as divorce or emotional instability at home—manifest in unpredictable or rough behavior.
This topic is especially relevant to Thai society, where close-knit communities and extended families often mean regular interaction with children beyond one’s immediate household. The Thai cultural norm of kreng jai—being considerate and seeking to avoid conflict—can further complicate the act of setting boundaries, making parents feel guilty about expressing limits.
Contemporary research and expert guidance suggest, however, that establishing clear, compassionate boundaries is both necessary and beneficial for all involved. According to mental health experts, the exhaustion some parents feel isn’t a sign of inadequacy, but a natural outcome of navigating differing “family ecosystems.” These systems have their own rules and emotional climates, and it’s common for adults and children alike to feel disoriented when external behaviors clash with home expectations (Kids First Services).
One of the key challenges, as explored in the New York Times column, is that behaviors may not be “bad” in an absolute sense—they take on meaning in context. Boys may exhibit more energetic play than girls on average, temperament varies, and some children struggle more intensely to regulate emotions due to family disruptions or trauma. When such children interact with peers in homes not their own, misunderstandings and overwhelm can easily occur—particularly for parents who, perhaps introverted or structure-seeking, are used to a different approach to discipline and emotional expression.
In these situations, experts agree that boundaries serve not only as a form of protection for one’s own family, but also as a way of modeling self-respect and providing structure for the visiting children. Parental boundaries are vital for children’s development; research shows they are directly linked to greater emotional intelligence, resilience, and self-regulation (Kids First Services; ParentData). When adults communicate household rules in a warm, consistent manner—“In our house, we use quiet voices” or “We treat each other gently”—children know what’s expected and, over time, learn to adapt their behavior accordingly.
Leading clinical psychologists echo this advice. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist, notes that setting boundaries is an important form of care rather than punishment. “When we don’t set boundaries, we end up resentful and disconnected, which is far harder for a relationship—adult or child—to recover from,” she explains (YouTube). For children coming from turbulent family backgrounds, such as the children referenced in the New York Times letter, the presence of clear external boundaries can actually make environments feel safer and more predictable, a cornerstone of psychological security (nytimes.com).
Recent research presented in parenting and psychological literature also underscores the value of boundaries in diverse family ecosystems. A 2025 global study on social support and childhood predictors highlighted that early experiences of structure, combined with warmth, are linked to the capacity to form stable friendships and empathetic relationships in later life (PubMed ID: 2025-001, global flourishing study).
However, the process is rarely easy—especially in Thai society, where family harmony and saving face are highly prized. Many parents report feeling guilty or “bad” for not feeling naturally warm toward challenging children, particularly those of close friends or relatives. Experts urge that such feelings are normal and should be acknowledged rather than suppressed. The important thing, clinical sources advise, is to balance compassion with self-care.
Social workers and psychologists recommend the following approaches for Thai parents and guardians navigating these situations:
- Clearly and calmly state household rules, both to your own children and to visiting children: “In our family, we do not hit/raise our voices,” or “We take turns with toys.”
- Use neutral, nonjudgmental language to avoid shaming the child or straining the relationship with their parent. Instead of labeling behavior as “bad,” describe it factually: “It’s getting too loud now, so let’s try a quiet game.”
- If the children’s parent is present, communicate your needs as personal thresholds rather than criticisms: “Our home is usually quiet in the afternoons, and I get tired when it gets loud,” and invite them to help reinforce these norms.
- Be consistent and follow through. If rules are not respected after a reminder, gently end the visit: “It looks like today is not a good day for sharing. Let’s try again another time.”
- Allow yourself to limit the length or frequency of visits if it helps preserve your energy.
These measures echo what scholars have observed in their studies of parenting typologies, such as Diana Baumrind’s authoritative parenting model—a balance of warmth and structure—which has been linked to more positive developmental outcomes across cultures, including Thailand (Wikipedia: Parenting Boundaries).
Of particular note for the Thai context: Support from extended family members, domestic helpers, or even neighbors—hallmarks of the sanuk (joyful) communal approach to child-rearing—can be leveraged to share the emotional load. Yet, cultural emphasis on harmony should not mean tolerating behaviors that compromise one’s well-being or undermine house rules. Mindful communication, always delivered with respect, can bridge the divide.
As families in Thailand increasingly embrace global parenting knowledge while preserving valued local traditions, strategies for managing difficult behavior—whether from one’s own children or others’—are evolving. Contemporary Thai parents now have access to resources, workshops, and professional counseling services in Bangkok and other urban centres, which integrate Western evidence-based advice and Thai cultural wisdom alike (Kids First Services).
Looking ahead, experts anticipate that increased awareness about the purpose and effect of boundaries in raising emotionally resilient and socially adaptable children will lead to shifting norms in Thai parenting culture. Acceptance of parental self-care, rather than endless self-sacrifice, is becoming more accepted, particularly among the urban middle class. Educational campaigns from Thai pediatricians and school counselors already emphasize the need for both empathy and structure at home.
For Thai readers facing similar challenges, the takeaway is clear: Setting boundaries is not a rejection of your friend, their children, or your own values—it is an essential, caring act that benefits everyone involved. If you struggle to find the right balance, reach out to community resources or parenting support services for guidance. And remember: Protecting your mental health and home environment enables you to be more present, kind, and patient—with all children, whether your own or not.
For more support or professional counseling in Thailand, consider contacting your child’s school, local community center, or qualified family therapists in your area.
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