In a striking revelation that sheds light on the complexity of marital intimacy, new survey results indicate that over 55% of married individuals confess to fantasizing about past lovers. The findings have prompted sex and relationships experts to sound a note of caution, suggesting such fantasies may signal underlying issues within current partnerships if left unchecked. While occasional reminiscing about former flames is more common than many would admit, recent expert advice highlights both the psychological roots and potential risks of allowing such daydreams to dominate the private lives of couples.
For Thai readers, the story resonates not simply as a Western curiosity, but as an exploration of universal emotions—desire, memory, and the yearning for novelty or affirmation. In a society that places high value on marital loyalty and discretion, especially in traditional settings, the admission that more than half of married people have mental liaisons with their ex-partner is both provocative and illuminating. The issue invites reflection on the boundaries between private fantasy and relationship fidelity, as well as broader changing attitudes among the Thai public regarding marriage, trust, and sexuality.
According to a survey by Illicit Encounters—a platform known for facilitating extramarital connections—55% of married respondents acknowledged fantasizing about past partners during intimate moments. Leading sex therapist and expert with Fantasy Dildo Co cautions that while such fantasies are normal and can even fuel healthy desire, they may also reflect “deeper-rooted issues” in one’s marriage. The expert explains, “The shame around ex fantasies is completely unnecessary. Our minds don’t operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory.” She emphasizes that sexual memories, especially intense experiences, can linger in the mind and resurface during solo or partnered intimacy.
Experts in sexual health and psychology point out that fantasies generally serve vital psychological functions. As summarized in the Wikipedia entry on sexual fantasies, these mental images or imagined scenarios are a nearly universal part of human sexuality. They are shaped by the imagination, by memories, and even by everyday triggers such as sights, sounds, or literature. Crucially, the presence of sexual fantasies about an ex does not necessarily signal an emotional attachment to the person themselves, but rather a longing for the feeling one experienced in the past—be it confidence, novelty, or being desired (Wikipedia, “Sexual Fantasies and Relationship Satisfaction”).
Furthermore, research led by American sexual health scholars, as cited in a detailed CNN feature by clinical therapist Ian Kerner, shows that the sense of being desired is among the most common erotic fantasies for both women and men (CNN, 2024). Psychologist Rachel Needle explains, “A sexual spark often encompasses both physical and emotional elements that create a sense of excitement, attraction, and connection between partners.” She notes that feeling desired and experiencing passionate connection are the “key to many people’s sexual fantasies.”
The risk, as highlighted by the sex expert in the UNILAD article, comes when ex-focused fantasies become a habitual escape or prevent full presence with a current partner. “Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison, or inability to be present with current partners,” she warns. If a person finds that ex fantasies are the only reliable route to climax, or that they constantly compare their spouse to former lovers, it may be time to address what is missing in the present relationship. Fletcher, the expert cited in the UNILAD article, further clarifies: “If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they’re interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what’s underneath.”
This insight is echoed in global sex research literature. A seminal survey by Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, found that over 90% of adults have fantasized about feeling desired rather than about specific individuals. In many cases, these fantasies are less about a former lover and more about moments when one felt sexually confident or appreciated (CNN, 2024). “Often people aren’t really fantasizing about their ex, but how they felt about themselves during that relationship,” the UNILAD expert confirms. The boundary, however, lies in whether these daydreams enrich or detract from current intimacy and happiness.
What does this mean for Thai marriages? In Thai cultural context, where open discussion of sexual needs and fantasies remains relatively taboo and public discourse often emphasizes harmony over confrontation, the tendency to turn inward for satisfaction—via fantasy or memory—may be even more pronounced. Many Thai couples rarely address desire mismatches directly, and “saving face” can prevent honest conversations about dissatisfaction or longing. Yet, as Thailand urbanizes and the influence of global media grows, more individuals find themselves negotiating the tension between traditional marriage expectations and modern explorations of sexuality.
The danger, experts agree, is not in the fantasy itself, but in what it reveals about unmet needs. “Healthy fantasy should improve your mood, not complicate it,” the UNILAD source notes. If fantasizing about an ex causes sadness, longing, or emotional confusion, it may reflect dissatisfaction or loss of confidence in the relationship. Thai therapists and relationship counselors (whose advice can be found anonymously published in health magazine columns and online forums) often encourage partners to communicate openly about their desires—though many admit this remains a challenge in practice, due to cultural inhibitions.
Addressing these issues starts with self-reflection and honest communication. The expert advises, “Try focusing on scenarios, sensations, or even fictional characters rather than specific people from your past.” Mindfulness techniques during solo time, paying close attention to bodily sensations in the present, may also help interrupted or habitual fantasy cycles. Furthermore, reframing the fantasy as a source of insight—rather than guilt—can help individuals better understand the underlying needs at play. Fletcher says: “Instead of feeling guilty about ex fantasies, use them as information about what you find appealing. Then you can communicate those preferences to future partners.” For married couples in Thailand, this may mean carefully introducing new experiences or discussing what makes each partner feel desired—perhaps during a quiet evening at home, or even with the support of a marriage counselor.
Historical Thai understandings of intimacy have always walked a delicate line between private pleasure and social propriety. Ancient literature, such as the epic “Khun Chang Khun Phaen,” contains rich examples of emotional longing and romantic rivalry; yet the resolution of such tension has often involved sacrifice, discretion, and an emphasis on duty over personal desire. Thai society today, while still valuing these traditional virtues, is increasingly open to discussing emotional and sexual fulfillment as part of marital happiness.
Looking to the future, experts forecast that both the normalization of sexual fantasy and the continued evolution of marriage will encourage more openness among couples—at least in urban centers such as Bangkok and Chiang Mai. As global research continues to explore the links between fantasy, satisfaction, and emotional health, it is likely that Thai therapists and educators will gradually encourage more constructive dialogue about the meanings and functions of erotic imagination in marriage.
For Thai readers seeking practical steps, therapists recommend the following: view your fantasy life as a “window” into your deeper needs and desires. If you find yourself frequently escaping into thoughts of a former partner, pause to consider what aspect of the past relationship you are actually missing—confidence, spontaneity, feeling attractive, or a particular type of affection. Once identified, these desires can often be communicated (gently and respectfully) to your current partner, or worked through with the help of a counselor.
In conclusion, fantasizing about an ex is not an automatic signal of betrayal or emotional failure—it is a natural psychological process. The essential question is whether such thoughts enrich or undermine your present relationship. By understanding the roots of sexual fantasy and engaging in mindful communication, Thai couples can turn private daydreams into opportunities for growth and renewed connection, rather than sources of anxiety or secrecy. In the words of the expert: “Fantasy should serve your growth, not keep you stuck in the past.”
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