A recent discussion reignited by organizational psychologist and bestselling author Adam Grant has called into question a widely held belief about emotional intelligence: that being emotionally intelligent is synonymous with being nice. According to Grant—and backed by new research from Harvard—the myth that equates emotional intelligence with niceness is not only unfounded but may actually diminish individuals’ true emotional intelligence and, by extension, their effectiveness in both personal and professional relationships (Inc.com).
Emotional intelligence (EQ) has become a buzzword in Thai workplaces, schools, and families over the past decade, with seminars, training programmes, and books devoted to the importance of managing emotions and getting along harmoniously with others. For many in Thailand—where social harmony (samruam) and “kreng jai” (considerate deference) are deeply valued cultural traits—EQ is widely interpreted as the ability to keep the peace and always be pleasant. However, Grant’s research and academic commentary challenge this surface-level understanding.
The heart of Grant’s argument, as outlined in the recent viral Inc.com column, is that linking EQ with perpetual friendliness is a misconception. Emotional intelligence, he argues, is the capacity to recognise, understand, and manage emotions—both one’s own and those of others—utilising this awareness appropriately depending on the context, rather than defaulting to “niceness.” Indeed, new research from Harvard cited by Grant demonstrates that people who focus solely on niceness can actually suffer setbacks in their relationships and decision-making, as they may suppress necessary confrontation or fail to express authentic reactions. As quoted in the article, “Equating emotional intelligence with being nice is a myth that can actually lower your emotional intelligence."
Academic consensus underpins this message. As documented by Grant in his own writing for outlets such as Medium and The Atlantic, emotional intelligence can have a dark side: when leveraged without ethical grounding, high-EQ individuals may become adept at manipulation instead of collaboration (Medium). This underscores EQ as a neutral skillset—one that magnifies the values and intentions of its user, for better or worse.
For Thai readers, the distinction is timely and relevant. In traditional settings such as schools and hierarchical workplaces, “being nice” is often promoted as the gold standard, with open disagreement or emotional expression sometimes discouraged as impolite or disruptive. According to a Thai mental health academic at a leading university, “Our education system tends to cultivate surface harmony, but not the skills of honest emotional negotiation or healthy confrontation. Emotional intelligence should be about adaptability, not avoidance.” Similarly, a psychologist from a Bangkok public hospital highlights that Thai employees frequently seek help for stress arising from pent-up emotions, stemming from reluctance to address conflicts or assert needs openly.
Yet, the new understanding of EQ calls for a broader approach. According to Harvard’s recent research, emotionally intelligent behaviours include providing candid feedback, standing up for oneself, setting boundaries, and occasionally challenging others’ ideas for the greater good. These are not always “nice”—but they are essential for true emotional resilience and effective teamwork (Inc.com).
The myth-busting viewpoint resonates with the wisdom found in Thai proverbs, which acknowledge the balance needed between harmony and honesty. For instance, the saying “khon dii mai wa khon jing” (“The nice person is not a real person”) points to the potential pitfalls of inauthenticity. Modern EQ training in Thailand is beginning to reflect this principle, integrating lessons on self-assertion and emotional boundaries alongside compassion and empathy.
From a practical point of view, the implications reach far beyond the classroom or corporate training room. A Bangkok-based HR consultant at a multinational company notes, “We used to focus on team-building to prevent conflict entirely, but now we’re coaching staff and managers on how to have constructive disagreements and give honest feedback without fear.” Thai students, similarly, can benefit from being taught not just to cooperate but to respectfully question and assert their own ideas—an approach that international research has linked to better creative thinking and leadership skills (Medium).
Globally, the recognition that EQ is not simply about “being nice” but about being effective and authentic is also backed by neuroscience and psychology. Leading researchers such as Daniel Goleman—the originator of the EQ concept—emphasise four major skills: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Niceness may be a byproduct, but it is not the objective. Instead, acknowledging, understanding, and sometimes even expressing negative emotions are all part of emotional maturity.
Looking ahead, this evolving approach is expected to influence Thai workplace culture, school curricula, and even parenting philosophies. The push towards greater self-advocacy and healthy confrontation breeds resilience and innovation, preparing Thais to compete in an interconnected, rapidly changing world. On a societal level, it suggests a gradual evolution from conflict avoidance towards open, constructive dialogue, without sacrificing core cultural values of respect and consideration.
Thai readers can take several practical steps to increase their true emotional intelligence in light of these findings. First, practice self-awareness through journaling or meditation to better understand your emotions beyond the urge to be agreeable. Second, rehearse respectful ways to voice disagreement or set boundaries, whether at work, school, or home. Third, seek out opportunities to give and receive honest feedback in a supportive environment—such as through trusted colleagues or peer review groups. Finally, approach EQ training and seminars with a critical eye, looking for programmes that go beyond “niceness” and incorporate a full range of emotional skills.
As Adam Grant and the latest research caution, believing emotional intelligence is synonymous with being nice may limit your capacity for real personal and professional growth. For Thais navigating the delicate balance between harmony and honesty, recognising and overcoming this myth could be the key to unlocking greater well-being, resilience, and success.
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